Lempert's Lampoon

Shining a light on the absurd since 1978

June 3, 2026 Observations & Existential Inquiries
Vol. 2, No. ∞$2.00

“The best part of humor ^[and knowledge] is sharing it with others and watching it spread.”


This June 3, 2026's Issue · Vol. 2, No. ∞ · Falls Church, VA

"The Nation's Most Trusted Source for Questionable Information."

Before we get to ourselves — and we will — here is something that was doing this long before we showed up.

Nature led with this. We’re not so vain as to put our own coverage first.

Vol. 1 · The Photographic Archive

Every issue, starting with the latest. Step through, or surrender to chance.

Location

Suggested Listening

"All the news that fits, we print. The rest we frame." — The Lampoon Institute for Front-Page Composure

Lempert’s Lampoon secret sauce recipe

Science-ish · Our Origins, Approximately

About Us

Shining a light on the absurd since 1978 — give or take.

A Lampoon staffer in shirt and tie refuels a sedan by hand from a red gas can on the shoulder of a wet two-lane road at dawn.
A member of staff manually topping off the company sedan somewhere outside Blacksburg, Virginia, at an hour no one formally agreed to.

We're still working on filling it all up — the page, the tank, and the conspicuous gap where an explanation should go. Please be patient.

Lempert's Lampoon Editor-in-Chief

The Editor-in-Chief

This section is under construction by people who are very confident and occasionally correct.

Full details are forthcoming. The editors are presently workshopping a version of events that is flattering, defensible, and only loosely related to what actually happened.

Check back soon — or don't. We'll be here either way, datelined Falls Church, Virginia, arguing about a comma.

The Editor, Defined · A Brief Lexicon

nice/nɪs/adj.

1.Pleasant in a manner that discourages follow-up questions. 2.(editorial) A quality one asserts about oneself at precisely the frequency required to make it suspect. See also: harmless; well-meaning; “no notes.”

guy/ɡaɪ/n.

1.A person, gender approximately male, here functioning as the standard unit of unremarkable humanity. 2.The smallest indivisible quantity of a man who “means well.”

from/frʌm/prep.

1.Indicating origin, as carefully distinguished from credentials. 2.A word performing enormous load-bearing labor in any sentence that follows it with a place and then stops.

Virginia/vərˈdʒɪnjə/n., prop.

1.A commonwealth — not a state, a distinction its residents will clarify unprompted. 2.The dateline of record for this publication; see Falls Church. 3.Mother of Presidents, several of whom would not clear modern onboarding.

over-enthusiastic/ˌoʊvər ɪnˌθuziˈæstɪk/adj.

1.Enthusiastic, plus a quantity of enthusiasm the room did not request. 2.The clinical condition of replying-all. 3.Earnestness presenting without a clear exit.

Department of Provenance · The Long Version

The Editor, At Length

A curriculum vitae that quietly insisted on becoming a narrative.

Zachary “Zach” Loarn Upchurch hails from Orange, VA — by way of Inova Fairfax. He graduated with honors* from “Orange County High Schoo.”

Afterward, he attended Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University,** where he studied biological sciences with an option in microbiology/immunology. Beginning in his very first spring semester, he worked across three different labs, where he was fortunate enough to have incredible mentors who pushed his potential.

That was followed by a year spent building and running a volunteer scribe program, from the ground up, at the now-shuttered Moss Free Clinic in Fredericksburg, VA (thanks, Affordable Care Act!).

He was then accepted off the waitlist to complete a master’s in physiology and biophysics at Georgetown University, before spending two years as a scribe and medical assistant at a bustling ENT private practice in Alexandria, VA. Somewhere in there, he realized that ENT is basically all of medicine rolled into one — only more fun, more interesting, and, most importantly, immensely rewarding, for the sheer number of ways it lets you help someone.

He completed his medical education at the American University of the Caribbean School of Medicine, followed by a general surgery preliminary residency at Montefiore Medical Center. In that single year he learned more than he thought possible, helped a great many people, made incredible friends, and — for one glorious stretch — was featured on the ENT program’s marketing materials (screenshots and the Internet Archive are wonderful tools).

He furthered his clinical training with fellowships in medical otorhinolaryngology and laryngology at UF Health Jacksonville, where some of the finest teachers and mentors happened to work — and where, once again, he made incredible friends.

This is, in fact, a running theme of his life: he has been remarkably fortunate to be surrounded by people who saw his potential and pushed him past it. And then there are those who consider him “over-enthused.” That latter group’s special interest, unfortunately, appears to be gatekeeping.

Beyond the interests catalogued here and elsewhere, he enjoys cooking, sight-seeing, art, comedy, museums, horticulture, history, exploration, cycling, golfing, tennis, hockey, hiking, kayaking, podcasts, and a great deal more. He is, after all, at least a bit “more than just a nice guy from Virginia.”

As of June 3, 2026 (give or take a day), he has been working on a side project in the form of a “satirical” news publication — shining a light on the complete absurdity that is the US healthcare system, physician training Nord Stream 2***, and more.

* Runner-up for Most Studious (damn you, Vlad! lol) and tied for Most Likely to Succeed.

** Was a bit of a slacker — graduated with a mere 148 credits, and dropped a 2-credit course on what to do with his degree after graduation because it didn’t seem all that relevant at the time. In retrospect, it was the difference between a second degree and no second degree.

*** A famous pipeline.****

**** A famous, historical pipeline.

Department of Provenance · Independently Verified by Us

Credentials

Documentation of the editor's qualifications, achievements, and one unresolved accounting matter.

Doctor of Medicine diploma, Universitas Mental Floss
Doctor of Medicine — Universitas Mental Floss, Schola Medicinae in Cista. The body text, in immaculate Latin, concedes the diploma is commenticium (made-up), conferred “at some point in the 21st century of our salvation.”
Award certificate: Most Likely to Walk Like a Velociraptor
Most Likely to Walk Like a Velociraptor — Award Certificate. Adjudicated by people who had watched the editor walk.
Delta Sigma Phi 2012 Formal Superlative: Most Likely to Send a Dumb E-Mail
Most Likely to Send a Dumb E-Mail — Delta Sigma Phi, 2012 Formal Superlative. A forecast the editor has spent over a decade diligently validating.
Orange County, Virginia prize check, 275th Art/Essay Contest, 2009
Prize, 275th Art/Essay Contest — Orange County, Virginia, 2009. The box reads $50.00; the line reads “one hundred and fifty dollars.” The Lampoon declines to adjudicate.
Department of Arts & Crafts · Made, Mostly, By Hand

Arts & Crafts

Where the editors attempt to make things — with their hands, and occasionally with software.

A featured work from the Arts & Crafts desk. Watch on YouTube → — the rest of the collection now hangs in The Gallery.
Department of Peer Review · Indexed Against Our Better Judgment

A Collection of Various Ramblings of a (Mad?) Man

Assorted writings that somehow cleared peer review and entered the permanent record.

Against considerable odds, a handful of these ramblings were judged sufficiently coherent to be indexed by the National Library of Medicine. We make no claims as to their lasting significance — only their documented existence.

Catalogued to date: n = 3. Madness: pending peer review. Margin of error: ±1 reviewer who didn't read it.

Department of Public Speaking · Podiums Approached, Slides Advanced

Presentations

Talks given, grand rounds rounded, and the slide decks that survived them.

A standing collection of lectures, grand rounds, and assorted podium appearances — kept in a shared folder so the deck you half-remember is always a click away. Laser pointer not included.

Department of Audiology · Curated, Allegedly

Earworms*

Operating-room playlists, assembled with the precision of people who own a label maker.

* Unlike cotton swabs, these actually belong in your ears.**

** At a reasonable dB.

"We are exactly who we say we are, pending peer review." — The Lampoon Institute for Self-Description

The editor at a laptop wearing a red clown nose, flanked by handwritten notebooks
The Editor-in-Chief, mid-rigor. Photographed during a late-stage fact-check while wearing the regulation Nose of Comedic Seriousness™. Two notebooks, one laptop, and no conflicts of interest the Lampoon is presently prepared to disclose.

The visual holdings — arts & crafts, the aspiring Looney Tune, and several other collections of variable repute — are housed next door.

Department of Recommended Viewing · Watched, With Notes

The Screening Room

Films the editors endorse — with the usual disclaimers, and one or two we invented.

the original printing, on YouTube →

How to Make Money Selling Drugs

2012 · dir. Matthew Cooke · documentary · 96 min

Featuring ‘Freeway’ Rick Ross, David Simon, Susan Sarandon, Woody Harrelson, 50 Cent, Eminem, Russell Simmons, and Arianna Huffington.

The Lampoon Verdict: 5½ out of 10 — half of 11, after all.*

* It also truly gets an 11 out of 10 — we just wanted to make sure you were paying attention.

The Lampoon review

Structured as a brisk instructional ladder — street corner to cartel kingpin, each rung presented as its own little achievement unlocked — the film teaches you the trade with a straight face. Then, having earned your trust, it quietly swaps the syllabus for an indictment of the war on drugs itself. The editors admire any document that smuggles a thesis inside a how-to.

The witnesses are the draw: dealers, narcotics officers, and lobbyists for tougher laws all testify in the same even light, with a supporting cast of celebrities who have, as celebrities do, opinions. Watch for the precise moment the joke stops being a joke. It does not announce itself, which is the point.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Gilly and Keeves

2021– · YouTube · sketch comedy · the full playlist

Shane Gillis and John McKeever, with a rotating company of the Delaware Valley’s finest.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — peer-reviewed by absolutely no one, which is how it stays this good.
The Lampoon review

Sketch surgery performed without anesthesia or apology. The Lampoon’s editorial board has watched the entire playlist and bills it as continuing education.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Philly Court

Recurring · the Gilly & Keeves cinematic universe · jurisprudence

The Honorable presiding. Counsel appears unprepared, per local custom.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — no further questions, Your Honor.
The Lampoon review

All rise. The docket is full, the gavel is decorative, and justice is served in a Wawa parking lot. Binding in the Third Circuit, emotionally.

Nine cartoons deep — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

Saturday Morning Classics

Assorted vintages · cereal optional, pajamas mandatory · nine selections

The lineup rotates; the couch does not.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 across the board — scored before 9 a.m., as intended.
The Lampoon review

The complete pajama syllabus: nine selections from the golden age of doing absolutely nothing until noon. Attendance is taken by the television.

Seven exhibits — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

FX · 2005–present · seven selections

Featuring: five co-owners of a bar, none of whom should own a bar.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the Gang rates itself higher and files a grievance.
The Lampoon review

Paddy’s Pub is the longest-running controlled experiment in American small business: no customers, no ethics, no losses anyone will admit to. The Lampoon’s middlemen coverage owes it a scholarly debt.

Swipe through the exhibits. Each is a masterclass in confidence unsupported by evidence, which is also our editorial model.

Six exhibits — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

That Mitchell and Webb Look

BBC · 2006–2010 · six selections

Featuring: two men asking the questions institutions prefer unasked.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — are we the baddies? The committee declines to answer.
The Lampoon review

British sketch work of surgical precision: every institution receives exactly the examination it deserves and none of the anesthesia. Required viewing for anyone who has ever sat on, chaired, or fled a committee.

Six selections, each a complete argument. The snooker commentators alone justify the licence fee.

Eight exhibits — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

King of the Hill

FOX · 1997–2010 · eight selections

Featuring: a man, his propane, and the narrow alley behind his house.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — that boy’s rating ain’t right, but it stands.
The Lampoon review

The most accurate documentary ever animated: work done properly, lawn maintained honestly, feelings expressed exclusively through the word “yep.” Hank Hill sells propane and propane accessories the way this paper sells the truth — quiet conviction, clean margin.

Five exhibits from the alley. Bring a beer and stand at a respectful distance.

Six exhibits — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

Monty Python

BBC · 1969–1974 · six selections

Featuring: the founding faculty of organized absurdity.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — nobody expected the score.
The Lampoon review

The source code. Every argument clinic, dead parrot, and ministry of questionable walks in modern satire compiles against this library, ours included. The Lampoon’s committee jokes are, legally speaking, derivative works.

Six exhibits from the canon, one arriving twenty-one seconds late for reasons the Ministry declines to explain.

Three exhibits — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

The Invention of Lying

Dir. Ricky Gervais & Matthew Robinson · 2009 · three selections

Featuring: the only man on Earth who can say things that aren’t.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — and that’s the truth, which is the whole joke.
The Lampoon review

A world where everyone speaks the literal truth, until one man discovers the alternative and accidentally invents advertising, religion, and arguably this publication. A satirical premise so clean it needed no second draft.

Three exhibits. In a world without lying, the Lampoon would be a very short paper — every headline already reads like this.

Six exhibits — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

Portlandia

IFC · 2011–2018 · six selections

Featuring: a city where the dream of asking about the chicken is alive.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — is it local? The rating is local.
The Lampoon review

Field reports from the only municipality that regulates itself entirely through earnestness. Every farmers-market interrogation and artisanal standoff documented here has since been observed in the wild, verbatim.

Six exhibits. Put a bird on the swipe arrows; they were plain and needed meaning.

Five exhibits — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

Malcolm in the Middle

FOX · 2000–2006 · five selections

Featuring: a family conducting five simultaneous experiments in chaos, all successful.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the future is now, old man.
The Lampoon review

The definitive field study of household governance under total institutional collapse. Hal alone is a complete syllabus in escalation: give the man a model city, a race car bed, or ten thousand bees, and stand back.

Five exhibits, one dynasty of poor impulse control executed at a professional level. The Lampoon’s org chart is based on this family.

Three exhibits — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret

IFC · 2010–2016 · three selections

Featuring: a man for whom every exit is an entrance to something worse.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — each decision rated individually, then compounded.
The Lampoon review

A controlled demolition of one man’s credibility, conducted in real time and entirely by the man himself. The title is not a premise; it is a legally accurate description, and the show honors it every single scene.

Three exhibits from the descent. Watch the decisions worsen with the discipline of a metronome — ours, specifically, once you turn the humor on.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Blazing Saddles

1974 · dir. Mel Brooks · western comedy · 93 min

Cleavon Little and Gene Wilder, with Harvey Korman, Madeline Kahn, and Slim Pickens.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the committee excused itself and the number stands.
The Lampoon review

Mel Brooks, 1974, no notes that anyone would dare deliver. Screened annually by the editorial board for calibration purposes.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Death by Design

1995 · Where Parallel Worlds Meet · documentary · ~73 min

Featuring Polly Matzinger, Rita Levi-Montalcini, Martin Raff, and a quorum of cell biologists on why your cells die precisely on schedule.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the scale stops at ten; this one goes to eleven.
The Lampoon review

A documentary about programmed cell death that has no business being this serene. Six scientists explain apoptosis — the orderly, scheduled self-destruction your cells perform so that you, on the whole, do not — and immunologist Polly Matzinger narrates the machinery of mortality in a voice the editors can only describe as a paradigm shift delivered as a bedtime story.

It is the rare film that makes the immune system sound like weather and dying sound like sensible planning. The Lampoon has, naturally, already covered its triumphant sweep of the Partially-Posthumous Academy Awards. See our coverage →

You have nothing to lose by watching — on YouTube →

Nothing to Lose

1997 · dir. Steve Oedekerk · buddy comedy · 98 min

Starring Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins, with John C. McGinley and Giancarlo Esposito as a rival pair of thieves.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — we had nothing to lose by going one over.
The Lampoon review

An advertising executive (Tim Robbins) becomes convinced his wife is sleeping with his boss, and on the worst night of his life is carjacked by a broke, fast-talking would-be thief (Martin Lawrence). Rather than surrender his wallet, he floors the accelerator, takes the carjacker hostage, and the two embark on a revenge road trip from California to Arizona. Both men have, as the title is at pains to establish, nothing to lose.

The chemistry is the whole engine — Robbins’s buttoned-down despair against Lawrence’s high-velocity panic — and the plot is, by the studio’s own implication, structurally optional; the detours are the feature. The editors award this hilarious buddy comedy a clean 11 out of 10 and note, for the record, that the downside risk of watching it is definitionally nothing.

the original printing, on YouTube →

The Jerk

1979 · dir. Carl Reiner · comedy · 94 min

Steve Martin (as Navin R. Johnson) and Bernadette Peters, with Carl Reiner appearing as himself.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the new ratings guide is here, the new ratings guide is here, and we are, at last, somebody.
The Lampoon review

Navin R. Johnson is raised by Black sharecroppers in Mississippi and reaches adulthood without ever noticing he is the only white person in the family. Sensing a calling the first time he discovers he can keep rhythm to a band on the radio, he leaves home to find his special purpose — works a series of increasingly menial jobs, accidentally invents a gadget that keeps eyeglasses from sliding down the nose, becomes immensely rich, and loses everything when the gadget turns the nation cross-eyed. The family dog is named Shithead. The arc is rags to riches to rags, narrated throughout with total sincerity.

Steve Martin’s first leading role is a master class in playing profound stupidity with complete conviction; the comedy works precisely because Navin never once suspects he is the joke. The editors observe that it takes real intelligence to be this persuasively dim, and award the full eleven.

Two uploads — swipe or use the arrows to choose, then press play.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil

1989 · dir. Arthur Hiller · comedy · 103 min

Gene Wilder (Dave, who is deaf) and Richard Pryor (Wally, who is blind), with Joan Severance and a young Kevin Spacey as the villains.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — one of them saw it, the other heard it; pooled, that is a single flawless witness, and a flawless score.
The Lampoon review

A deaf man (Wilder) and a blind man (Pryor) who run a corner newsstand together witness the same murder — the deaf one sees the killer, the blind one hears her — which makes them, between the two of them, exactly one reliable eyewitness and the police’s two leading suspects. They go on the run to clear their names, each man covering precisely what the other cannot.

It is the third of the four Wilder–Pryor collaborations, carried almost entirely on their chemistry, with a young Kevin Spacey turning up as a villain. The premise is one joke worked through every available permutation, and the editors found every permutation worth it.

Eight clips — swipe or use the arrows to choose a scene, then press play.

Patch Adams

1998 · dir. Tom Shadyac · comedy-drama · 115 min

Robin Williams (as Hunter “Patch” Adams), with Monica Potter, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Bob Gunton, Daniel London, and Harold Gould — based on the real Dr. Hunter “Patch” Adams.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the rare film to prescribe laughter and plain human kindness in the same dose. The editors, hardened cynics, were moved against their will.
The Lampoon review

Robin Williams plays Hunter “Patch” Adams, a man who checks himself into a psychiatric hospital, discovers he is better at reaching the other patients than anyone on staff, and resolves to become the kind of doctor who treats people rather than charts. In medical school he is brilliant and insubordinate in equal measure — slipping onto wards, deploying a red nose and whatever prop the moment seems to demand, and infuriating a dean (Bob Gunton) who regards warmth as a breach of professional distance. It is based, loosely and warmly, on the real Dr. Hunter Adams and the Gesundheit! Institute he founded.

The film’s argument — that a patient is a person, and that laughter, attention, and ordinary kindness are part of the treatment rather than a distraction from it — was made a good two decades before “patient-centered care” turned up on anyone’s mission statement. The editors, who maintain a whole Office of Stakeholder Containment, were unsurprised to watch an institution treat a doctor’s compassion as a disciplinary matter. Williams does the thing only he could: makes earnestness land without a wink. Eleven out of ten; no prior authorization required.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Critical Care

1997 · dir. Sidney Lumet · satire · 107 min

James Spader (as Dr. Werner Ernst), with Kyra Sedgwick, Helen Mirren, Albert Brooks, Anne Bancroft, Jeffrey Wright, and Wallace Shawn.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — approved, subject to your plan’s coverage and a modest copay; prior authorization still pending.
The Lampoon review

Sidney Lumet — yes, that Sidney Lumet — turns the intensive-care unit into a satire of American medicine. An idealistic ICU resident (James Spader) is caught between two half-sisters feuding over their comatose father: one wants the plug pulled, the other wants him kept alive indefinitely, and a ten-million-dollar trust fund is quietly informing both positions. Presiding over the ward is a supervisor (Albert Brooks) whose entire diagnostic philosophy is whether the patient’s insurance is still paying.

The film argues, with a straight face, that the modern hospital keeps you alive for exactly as long as someone is being billed for it — a thesis the Lampoon arrived at independently and has filed under Stakeholder Containment. Helen Mirren, Anne Bancroft, and Wallace Shawn (as the Devil) round out the floor. Eleven out of ten; claim submitted.

the original printing, on YouTube →

The Whitest Kids U’ Know

2007–2011 · Fuse, then IFC · sketch comedy · 5 seasons

Trevor Moore, Sam Brown, Zach Cregger, Timmy Williams, and Darren Trumeter.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — awarded with the full understanding that five grown men will now do something irresponsible with the encouragement.
The Lampoon review

Five comedians out of New York’s School of Visual Arts who built a following on stage and online before the show landed on Fuse and then IFC, where the absence of commercial breaks and the absence of standards turned out to be mutually reinforcing. The sketches are short, fearless, frequently musical, and aimed squarely at whatever the room has quietly agreed not to bring up.

It is uneven by design and unbothered by the fact — the hit-to-miss ratio is beside the point when the hits go where almost nothing else will. Founding member Trevor Moore, the troupe’s engine, died in 2021; their final project, the animated feature Mars, was finished from material he had signed off on. The editors decline to quote a single sketch in a reputable newspaper, and award the full eleven.

Two uploads — swipe or use the arrows to choose, then press play.

Monk

2002–2009 · created by Andy Breckman · mystery comedy-drama · 8 seasons

Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk, with Ted Levine, Bitty Schram, Traylor Howard, and Jason Gray-Stanford.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — Mr. Monk would have vastly preferred a clean, even ten, and will spend the afternoon trying to straighten the extra point.
The Lampoon review

Adrian Monk is the finest homicide detective in San Francisco and cannot bring himself to touch a doorknob. After his wife Trudy is killed by a car bomb, his grief detonates a constellation of phobias and compulsions — germs, heights, milk, crowds, anything not quite symmetrical — that get him suspended from the force and rehired as a consultant, because the same mind that cannot abide a crooked picture frame cannot stop noticing the one detail that cracks the case.

Tony Shalhoub won three Emmys playing him, and the show’s quiet trick is that the affliction and the gift are the same wiring: the thing that ruins Monk’s morning is the thing that catches the killer. Two uploads are loaded above — swipe to whichever one plays. Eleven out of ten, which Mr. Monk will spend the rest of the day trying to round down.

Two uploads — swipe or use the arrows to choose, then press play.

Mr. Bean

1990–1995 · created by Rowan Atkinson & Richard Curtis · physical comedy · 15 episodes

Rowan Atkinson as Mr. Bean, with Matilda Ziegler as his long-suffering girlfriend Irma Gobb — and a teddy bear named Teddy.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — arrived at, as the show itself prefers, without a single word being spoken.
The Lampoon review

Rowan Atkinson plays a grown man with the disposition of a willful seven-year-old, approaching ordinary tasks — a packed lunch, a dentist’s chair, an exam he plainly did not study for — as though each were a siege to be won by low cunning. He speaks almost not at all; the comedy is built entirely from physical invention, in a line that runs straight back through Jacques Tati to the silent era. His principal co-stars are a teddy bear and a lime-green Mini.

Fifteen episodes, and a choral theme that greets him each week in Latin — Ecce homo qui est faba, “Behold the man who is a bean” — for a character so legible across every language that he became one of Britain’s most successful comedy exports without ever needing to be translated. Two uploads are loaded above; swipe to whichever one plays. Eleven out of ten.

the original printing, on YouTube →

The Princess Bride

1987 · dir. Rob Reiner · fantasy adventure · 98 min

Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, and Mandy Patinkin, with André the Giant, Wallace Shawn, Chris Sarandon, Christopher Guest, Billy Crystal, and Peter Falk & Fred Savage as the grandfather and grandson. Screenplay by William Goldman, from his own novel.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — we kept calling the score inconceivable; it turns out the word means exactly what we thought it meant.
The Lampoon review

A grandfather (Peter Falk) reads his sick grandson a swashbuckler, and the film keeps cutting back to the boy’s objections — too much kissing, mainly — as a frame around the story itself: a farm girl named Buttercup, her true love Westley lost at sea, a scheming prince, and a kidnapping that goes sideways the moment a Spanish fencing master, a giant, and a Sicilian get involved. It is an adventure, a romance, and a comedy that never once agrees to pick just one.

William Goldman adapted his own novel, and the cast plays fairy-tale archetypes with complete conviction — Mandy Patinkin’s Inigo Montoya nursing a lifelong revenge, André the Giant as the gentlest heavy in pictures, Wallace Shawn certain that nothing is impossible right up until it is. The editors note it is quoted rather more often than it is watched, which is saying something, and award full marks for being exactly as good as everyone remembers.

Two uploads — swipe or use the arrows to choose, then press play.

Weekend at Bernie’s

1989 · dir. Ted Kotcheff · comedy · 97 min

Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman as Larry and Richard, with Terry Kiser as the title host and Catherine Mary Stewart.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — for the most committed motionless performance in the history of the form.
The Lampoon review

Two low-level insurance employees (McCarthy and Silverman) find a fraud in the company books and are rewarded with an invitation to their boss Bernie’s beach house — not knowing Bernie ordered them killed, then got double-crossed into being murdered first. They arrive to a corpse, a houseful of guests who assume the host is merely very relaxed, and the dawning logistical problem of how to leave a party your dead boss is still, technically, throwing.

The entire comedy rests on the conceit that a sufficiently casual dead man, propped at the right angle and waved at the right moment, reads as the life of the party — and on Terry Kiser, who spends most of the film being dragged, posed, and towed behind a speedboat with a stillness that is its own kind of athleticism. The editors find the premise indefensible and the execution fully committed, which is precisely the ratio they look for.

Three uploads — swipe or use the arrows to choose, then press play.

Weekend at Bernie’s II

1993 · dir. Robert Klane · comedy · 89 min

Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman return, with Terry Kiser back as Bernie Lomax.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the rare sequel to actually reanimate its premise, by means of voodoo, which we respect.
The Lampoon review

The sequel solves the obvious problem of a comedy built around a corpse by giving the corpse somewhere to be: a voodoo ritual goes half-right, and Bernie now walks — but only while music is playing, and only toward the hidden fortune that everyone is chasing across the Virgin Islands. Larry and Richard, cleared of nothing, follow the dancing dead man toward the money.

It is broader and stranger than the original, trading one tight joke for a screwball treasure hunt in which the loot and the corpse are, intermittently, the same shambling thing. The editors concede that the law of diminishing returns applies, then note that “Bernie does a music-powered shuffle toward buried treasure” is a sentence the first film could never have earned, and grade on a generous curve.

Two uploads — swipe or use the arrows to choose, then press play.

The Big Lebowski

1998 · dir. Joel & Ethan Coen · crime comedy · 117 min

Jeff Bridges as the Dude, with John Goodman, Julianne Moore, Steve Buscemi, John Turturro, David Huddleston, and Philip Seymour Hoffman.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the scale stops at ten; the Dude, characteristically, abides anyway.
The Lampoon review

Jeff Bridges is Jeffrey Lebowski — “the Dude,” an unemployed Los Angeles man of leisure — mistaken for a millionaire of the same name after two thugs soil his rug over a debt that isn’t his. Seeking only restitution for the rug, which really tied the room together, he is pulled into a kidnapping, a ransom handoff gone wrong, a severed toe, a trio of nihilists, and an avant-garde artist, all while trying to get back to league bowling with his volatile friend Walter (John Goodman) and the perpetually overruled Donny (Steve Buscemi).

The Coen brothers built a shaggy Los Angeles noir in which the detective is stoned, the plot barely coheres on purpose, and the digressions are the entire point — a film that landed quietly in theaters and then slowly became a way of life, complete with its own festivals. The editors rate the plot incomprehensible and the experience flawless, and decline, in the spirit of the thing, to reconcile the two.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Kingpin

1996 · dir. Bobby & Peter Farrelly · sports comedy · 113 min

Woody Harrelson and Randy Quaid, with Vanessa Angel and Bill Murray.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — a comeback bowled almost entirely from the gutter, and we mean that as the highest praise.
The Lampoon review

Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) is a 1979 bowling prodigy whose career ends when a hustle with the smarmy Ernie McCracken (Bill Murray) costs him his throwing hand. Seventeen years and one rubber hook later — broke, bitter, and selling whatever he can — he stumbles onto a naïve Amish phenom named Ishmael (Randy Quaid) and sees his ticket back: manage the kid to a million-dollar tournament in Reno, assuming he can keep them both out of every available indignity along the way.

It is a Farrelly brothers comedy, which means the sweetness and the grossness arrive in equal measure and frequently in the same shot, with Bill Murray’s gloriously combed-over villain stealing every frame he is given. The editors found it markedly more tender than its reputation and markedly more disgusting than its poster, and award full marks to a film with the decency to be both at once.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Field of Dreams

1989 · dir. Phil Alden Robinson · baseball fantasy · 107 min

Kevin Costner, Amy Madigan, and Gaby Hoffmann, with Ray Liotta, Timothy Busfield, James Earl Jones, and Burt Lancaster in his final film role. Screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson, from W. P. Kinsella’s novel Shoeless Joe.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — if you build an eleventh point, it will come. We built it.
The Lampoon review

An Iowa farmer (Kevin Costner) hears a voice in his corn and, rather than consulting anyone in a position to bill him for it, plows under a profitable crop to build a regulation ballpark for the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson (Ray Liotta). The film presents this as a reasonable sequence of events, and by the time the bank arrives to disagree, the audience has quietly taken the corn’s side. The sensible middle stretch of the plan involves driving to Boston to kidnap a reclusive novelist (James Earl Jones), who comes along largely because the alternative is more visitors.

It ends, famously, not with a pennant but with a catch — the only sports picture whose climactic play is two men gently throwing a ball, and the only farm picture whose harvest is fathers. Burt Lancaster, in his final role, gets the doorway scene every actor should be issued at retirement, and James Earl Jones delivers a speech so persuasive the film has never needed an advertising budget since. The editors watched it stone-faced and are prepared to testify, under oath, that the room was merely dusty.

the original printing, on YouTube →

SLC Punk!

1998 · dir. James Merendino · punk comedy-drama · 97 min

Matthew Lillard and Michael A. Goorjian, with Annabeth Gish, Jennifer Lien, Christopher McDonald, Devon Sawa, James Duval, Summer Phoenix, and Til Schweiger. Written and directed by James Merendino.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — we didn’t sell out the scale, son. We bought in.
The Lampoon review

Stevo (Matthew Lillard), a blue-haired anarchist freshly graduated and militantly unemployed, narrates his mid-’80s Salt Lake City straight down the camera lens — a field taxonomy of punks, mods, rednecks, heavy-metal guys, and poseurs, delivered with the rigor of a man avoiding his future. His father (Christopher McDonald), a hippie turned litigator, supplies the thesis in a single line — “I didn’t sell out, son. I bought in” — and the rest of the picture is Stevo doing violence to that sentence until it starts doing violence back.

It plays as a motormouthed comedy right up until it doesn’t — the film hides an elegy inside the mohawk, and Michael A. Goorjian’s Heroin Bob, a punk so nicknamed because he is terrified of needles, carries the reveal. Lillard gives the fastest performance of 1998 and its saddest thirty seconds, and the ending commits the boldest act of anarchy available to any punk: it grows up, and admits it. The editors, poseurs to a man, saluted.

Four clips deep — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

Arrested Development

FOX, then Netflix · 2003–2019 · sitcom · four selections

Jason Bateman, Portia de Rossi, Will Arnett, Michael Cera, Alia Shawkat, Tony Hale, Jessica Walter, Jeffrey Tambor, and David Cross — narrated, with the patient neutrality of a man reading a police report he finds mildly amusing, by Ron Howard.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — and there’s always money in the banana stand.
The Lampoon review

The chronicle of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them together. Jason Bateman plays Michael Bluth as the last straight line in a household of curves — a magician brother, a never-nude brother-in-law, a mother weaponizing every syllable — each of whom treats consequence as someone else’s genre. Ron Howard narrates the wreckage from just off-camera, correcting the record whenever a Bluth improves on it.

It rewards the second viewing and the fourth: gags planted early bloom two seasons later, and the show trusts you to have been paying attention when it did not. The editors admire any comedy built like a legal filing — every throwaway line load-bearing, every banana stand concealing a thesis. Watch the four above in any order; the family has never once done anything in the right one.

the original printing, on YouTube →

National Lampoon’s Vacation

1983 · dir. Harold Ramis · comedy · 98 min

Chevy Chase, Beverly D’Angelo, Randy Quaid, Anthony Michael Hall, Dana Barron, Imogene Coca, and Christie Brinkley. Written by John Hughes.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — we drove all this way; we are absolutely seeing the scale.
The Lampoon review

Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) loads the family into the Wagon Queen Family Truckster and points it at Walley World with the doomed optimism of a man who has confused a vacation with a referendum on his own worth. Every mile is a small administrative disaster — a dead aunt, a lost map, a cousin named Eddie — and Clark greets each one with a grin that curdles by degrees.

The genius is the escalation: the film keeps Clark reasonable exactly long enough that his eventual unraveling reads as earned rather than random. The editors, who have also driven a very long way to be disappointed by a closed attraction, saluted through tears.

the original printing, on YouTube →

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

1989 · dir. Jeremiah S. Chechik · comedy · 97 min

Chevy Chase, Beverly D’Angelo, Randy Quaid, Juliette Lewis, Johnny Galecki, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Written by John Hughes.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the gift that keeps on giving, the whole year.
The Lampoon review

Clark stays home this time, which is worse. He wants one perfect family Christmas and pursues it with the fixed, dangerous cheer of a man who has already bought the pool he cannot afford. The lights will not light; the turkey deflates; Cousin Eddie arrives in an RV and empties it into the storm drain. Every catastrophe is domestic, seasonal, and self-inflicted.

It has become a fixture for a reason: under the slapstick is a genuinely tender argument that the holiday is worth the humiliation, and the jelly-of-the-month meltdown remains the finest aria of white-collar grievance ever committed to film. The editors renew their membership annually.

Nine clips deep — swipe or use the arrows, then press play.

National Lampoon’s European Vacation

1985 · dir. Amy Heckerling · comedy · 94 min · nine selections

Chevy Chase, Beverly D’Angelo, Dana Hill, and Jason Lively — the Griswolds, exported.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — look kids, Big Ben, Parliament. (Again.)
The Lampoon review

The Griswolds win a game show and inflict themselves on an entire continent, mispronouncing their way from London to Rome while Clark maintains that everything is going great. The roundabout gag — trapped circling Lala Marleston Square until nightfall, still cheerfully narrating — is the whole franchise distilled to one intersection.

Broader and sillier than the original, and content to be. The editors filed it under “travel is a mistake we keep making,” and screened it twice.

the original printing, on YouTube →

National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation

1997 · dir. Stephen Kessler · comedy · 93 min

Chevy Chase, Beverly D’Angelo, Randy Quaid, Ethan Embry, Marisol Nichols, and Wallace Shawn.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — we let it ride; the scale came up eleven.
The Lampoon review

The Griswolds hit Las Vegas, where Clark discovers the one opponent he cannot out-optimism: a blackjack dealer named Marty who takes the family savings with monastic calm. The film is lighter on stakes and heavier on cameo — Cousin Eddie in a bunker, Wayne Newton as a threat — and it knows exactly what it is.

Not the peak of the ledger, and it does not pretend to be. But the editors have a documented weakness for a Griswold who keeps grinning at a machine designed to take everything, and this one grins to the end.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

1986 · dir. John Hughes · comedy · 103 min

Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jeffrey Jones, Jennifer Grey, and Ben Stein. Written and directed by John Hughes.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — life moves pretty fast; the scale did too.
The Lampoon review

Ferris (Matthew Broderick) engineers a flawless sick day and narrates it straight to camera, a teenager operating with the confidence of a man who has never once faced a consequence. The plot is a heist with nothing stolen but an afternoon — a museum, a parade, a borrowed Ferrari — and a principal (Jeffrey Jones) reduced to Wile E. Coyote in a blazer.

Underneath the victory lap is Cameron (Alan Ruck), who is doing the actual emotional work of the movie while Ferris takes the bows, and Hughes lets the day mean something without slowing it down. The editors, professionally seated near the back, took the day off to watch it. Bueller. Bueller.

the original printing, on YouTube →

Good Bye, Lenin!

2003 · dir. Wolfgang Becker · tragicomedy · 121 min

Daniel Brühl and Katrin Saß, with Chulpan Khamatova and Maria Simon. In German, with subtitles.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — the Wall came down; the rating held firm.
The Lampoon review

An East Berlin mother, a devoted socialist, falls into a coma in the autumn of 1989 and wakes eight months later — after the Wall, after the currency, after the country she believed in has quietly ceased to exist. Warned that any shock could kill her, her son (Daniel Brühl) resolves to keep the German Democratic Republic alive inside one apartment: hunting down discontinued pickle jars, staging fake newscasts, and explaining away the Coca-Cola banner unfurling outside her window as a lingering socialist triumph.

What begins as farce becomes something quietly enormous — a son rebuilding a whole dead nation, room by room, out of love for a woman who cannot be told the truth. The editors, who maintain an entire apparatus for keeping inconvenient realities from the people they serve, recognized a kindred operation and awarded the full eleven.

Watch the playlist on YouTube →

City of God

2002 · dir. Fernando Meirelles & Kátia Lund · crime drama · 130 min

Alexandre Rodrigues, Leandro Firmino, Phellipe Haagensen, and Douglas Silva. In Portuguese, with subtitles.

The Lampoon Verdict: 11 out of 10 — scored from behind the camera, where it is marginally safer.
The Lampoon review

Narrated by Rocket, a boy who wants only to be a photographer, the film traces two decades in a Rio de Janeiro housing project as it curdles from 1960s hardship into a 1980s war run by children with guns. Meirelles shoots it at a full sprint — whip-pans, freeze-frames, a chicken chase that turns into a thesis statement — and casts largely non-professional kids from the favelas themselves, which is why none of it looks like acting.

The genius is the vantage: Rocket survives not by fighting but by watching and documenting, the one role that lets him pass through every faction untouched. The editors, who also make a living observing a violent system from just outside the blast radius, took the lesson to heart and awarded the full eleven.

"We review films the way we report the news: thoroughly, confidently, and from a seat near the back." — The Lampoon Institute for Recommended Viewing

Department of Recommended Reading · The Book Club, Year-Round

The Reading Room

Books the editors endorse — for the content, for the cover art, or for reasons withheld.

Recommended ReadingIn no particular order.
  • Dancing Naked in the Mind FieldKary Mullis
  • Molecular Biology of the Cell (current edition*)Alberts et al. *We also endorse every preceding edition — strictly for the cover art.
  • Grant's Atlas of AnatomyJ. C. B. Grant
  • MASHRichard Hooker
  • Gifted HandsBen Carson
  • Viruses vs. SuperbugsThomas Häusler
  • An Anatomy of AddictionHoward Markel
  • The Patient as Victim and VectorBattin et al.
  • The House of GodSamuel Shem
  • Microbe HuntersPaul de Kruif
  • The Sanford Guide to Antimicrobial Therapy (current edition)
  • No Time to LosePeter Piot
  • Do You Believe in Magic?Paul A. Offit
  • West's Respiratory Physiology: The Essentials (current edition)John B. West
  • The Electric Kool-Aid Acid TestTom Wolfe
  • One Flew Over the Cuckoo's NestKen Kesey
  • HatchetGary Paulsen
  • Hide This French BookBerlitz
  • John Nash's Nobel Seminar (PDF)John F. Nash, Jr. Read →
  • The U.S. Constitution*The Framers *Don't forget to read the footnotes — i.e., the Bill of Rights and the subsequent Amendments.** **And it really isn't even all that long.
  • Immunology: An Illustrated OutlineDavid Male
  • Schaechter's Mechanisms of Microbial DiseaseEngleberg et al.
  • Cellular and Molecular ImmunologyAbbas, Lichtman & Pillai
  • The Physiology and Biochemistry of ProkaryotesDavid White
  • Rapid Interpretation of EKG'sDale Dubin
  • The Struggles of a Medical Innovator: Cochlear Implants and Other Ear Surgeries (a memoir)William F. House, DDS, MD
  • Otolaryngology: Head & Neck Surgery — Clinical Reference Guide (“Pasha”*)Raza Pasha & Justin S. Golub *And the rest of the Plural Publishing pack. If you know, you know.
  • The BRS Series (Board Review Series)various, Lippincott
  • The History of Medicine: A Very Short Introduction*William Bynum *And anything else from the Very Short Introductions — the series rarely misses.
  • Basic EconomicsThomas Sowell
  • The Road to SerfdomF. A. Hayek
  • For a New Liberty: The Libertarian ManifestoMurray N. Rothbard
  • End the FedRon Paul
  • Liberty DefinedRon Paul
  • The Revolution: A ManifestoRon Paul
  • The School RevolutionRon Paul
  • Enough Already: Time to End the War on TerrorismScott Horton
  • Provoked: How Washington Started the New Cold War with Russia and the Catastrophe in UkraineScott Horton
  • Hotter Than the Sun: Time to Abolish Nuclear WeaponsScott Horton
  • Diary of a Psychosis: How Public Health Disgraced Itself During COVID ManiaThomas E. Woods, Jr.
  • The Myth of NormalGabor Maté
  • The Lemon TreeSandy Tolan
  • The Holy Bible (Old & New Testaments)many hands, over many centuries
  • Dear Reader: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Kim Jong IlMichael Malice
  • The Anarchist Handbook (compiled)Michael Malice, ed.
  • The White Pill: A Tale of Good and EvilMichael Malice
  • The Federalist PapersHamilton, Madison & Jay
  • The Anti-Federalist PapersBrutus, et al.
  • The LawFrédéric Bastiat
  • Democracy: The God That Failed (The Economics and Politics of Monarchy, Democracy, and Natural Order)Hans-Hermann Hoppe

One last recommendation, off the record

Books Not to Read

A short shelf, vigorously maintained.

How to Win Friends and Influence PeopleDale Carnegie We endorse the absurd — not manipulation-tactics manuals.

"A reading list is just a wishlist with footnotes. Ours has more footnotes than most." — The Lampoon Institute for Comprehensive Leisure

Curated Diversions · Sights, Sounds & the Occasional Site

Pretty Sites & Sounds

A small gallery of the web's nicer corners — and a few things worth hearing.

Things Worth Hearing · Sounds Desk

Pretty Sounds

Music, ambiences, and the occasional perfect noise.

The sounds are being auditioned. The editors are very particular and slightly tone-deaf.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; bandwidth is in the hands of the host." — The Lampoon Institute for Aesthetic Bandwidth

A Lampoon Institute Reading Room · Curiosity Encouraged

Inquisitive Minds

For the reader who keeps asking. Pick a door; each one leads somewhere worth wandering.

Department of Foregone Conclusions · Two Wars, Decades On

The Art of Wars?

A republic can declare war on a noun. It cannot win one. Two long campaigns — on drugs, and on terror — and the people who actually paid for them.

Department of Founding Documents · Four Pages, One Republic

The U.S. Constitution

Seven articles, twenty-seven amendments, and a four-page argument that has been running since 1787.

A Wing of Inquisitive Minds · Polite Society

Polite Society

The clubs, forums, and “independent” charities that conduct their business where the public can’t watch — and the polite rituals that keep you outside the room.

Uninterrupted Coverage · Public Infrastructure Desk

Live Feed

Round-the-clock surveillance of something doing almost nothing.

● LIVE

Today's subject: Old Faithful & the Upper Geyser Basin, by way of the U.S. National Park Service. It erupts roughly every 90 minutes and is otherwise gloriously uneventful.

Our editors find the long, expectant pauses between eruptions deeply relatable.

Legal & Largely Sincere · Office of Reader Trust

Privacy Policy

We respect your privacy. We also respect your [Grrrreat!!!] low expectations.

For Additional Information

Click once to bring a line into the light; click again to follow it.

"Your secrets are safe with us, which is precisely the problem." — The Lampoon Institute for Plausible Confidentiality

Namesake & North Star · Bureau of Posterity

The Lamp’s Light

Dr. Julius Lempert (1891–1968) — the outsider the gatekeepers were wrong about.

Dr. Julius Lempert, stylized portrait

Dr. Julius Lempert — our namesake, more or less

"A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity." — Robert Frost

For the Incurably Curious · Methods Desk

Radical Mental Exploration in the Modern Eon

A short list of places to go looking. Footnotes encouraged.

"The most dangerous question isn't 'What happened?' It's 'Can I see how you calculated that?'" — The Lampoon Institute for Unhelpful Curiosity

Civic Duty · Office of Gentle Correction

Share Knowledge With Others

Some questions deserve a warm, educational nudge.

Has someone asked you a question they could have looked up themselves? Don't scold — empower. Type their question below and we'll prepare a link you can lovingly send them.

"To teach a man to fish is noble. To send him a link is faster." — The Lampoon Institute for Passive Generosity

A Lampoon Institute Simulation · No Appointment Necessary

The Sim*

The Modern US Healthcare Simulator. Step into the waiting room and select a station.

*A simulation only. No actual care is dispensed, diagnosed, or — per our legal department — implied.

Lampoon Institute for Inaudible Frequencies · Bring Your Own Ears

Did You Hear Something?

Sweep from a courteous 200 Hz to a conspiratorial 20,000 Hz. If the dog leaves the room, the apparatus is functioning as designed.

2,000Hz
Consonants & Clarity
The ear’s most sensitive band. Smoke alarms and crying infants aim here on purpose.
Nothing is playing. Yet.
Voice of the keyboard:

A pianoforte, as nature and the 18th century intended. Tap the button to change instruments.

Record & LoopAny instrument above — record a take, switch instruments, and layer another on top. Loops save to this device.
Empty loop
Starter loops — load one, then switch instruments and record over it
Your loops — up to three, saved on this device
Slot 1empty
Slot 2empty
Slot 3empty

An audible octave, provided in good faith for the humans present. The slider above is for everyone else. Mind the volume.

Lampoon Institute for Otologic Education · After Julius Lempert

The Ear & Hearing

Three chambers, a chain of the body’s smallest bones, and a spiral full of hair cells you cannot afford to lose. A brief, mostly earnest tour.

Where Hearing Loss Happens

A Genuine Red Flag: Sudden Hearing Loss

Sudden sensorineural hearing loss (SSNHL) — a noticeable drop in one ear over hours to a few days, often with a plugged feeling, ringing, or dizziness — is one of the few hearing situations that is a true emergency. It is frequently mistaken for wax or a cold and quietly waited out. Don’t wait it out.

The window for treatment is short. Prompt evaluation (ideally within days) and a course of steroids — oral, or injected through the eardrum — give the best odds of preserving or recovering hearing. Started early, they often help; started late, they frequently can’t. If an ear suddenly goes muffled and a quick swallow or yawn doesn’t fix it, treat it like the urgent thing it is and get seen.

Ways Back to Sound

Which device fits depends on where and how much hearing is lost. An audiologist or ENT helps you understand the options available to you and how each one fits your hearing — the choice is yours. The below is a map, not a prescription.

The hearing aid already in your pocket

Recent AirPods Pro can run a built-in hearing test and, in supported regions, a clinical-grade Hearing Aid feature for mild-to-moderate loss — amplifying speech and dialing in to the screening result. It is not a replacement for a real audiogram or a real audiologist, and it won’t touch severe or conductive loss. But if you suspect you’re missing things, a five-minute test at home is a low-stakes, surprisingly decent way to find out whether it’s worth getting properly checked.

Cerumen Defense Force

A public-service arcade cabinet. Cotton swabs do not belong in the ear canal — they pack wax against the eardrum and, now and then, puncture it. Repel the incoming swabs. The canal thanks you.

Score 0Wave 1Canal: ♥♥♥

Move: drag or ← →  ·  Fire: tap or Space

Educational only, and no substitute for an audiologist or an ENT (otolaryngologist) — the doctors at the top of the hearing field — and the small flashlight they will produce. If sound is fading, a ringing won’t quit, or an ear feels blocked, see one of them — sudden hearing loss in particular is an urgent matter, not a wait-and-see one.

Lampoon Institute for Operative Confidence · Scrubbing Optional

You Are the Surgeon Now

Recall Halsted’s seven principles of surgery from memory — one per box, in any order. The patient is, generously, stable.

0 of 7 identified · Attempt 1 of 5

Three Procedures — Now Operate

Pick one and perform it. Tap the glowing spot for each step. Simplified for the curious — emphatically not an operative manual.

Lampoon Institute for Cardiovascular Endurance · Resting Heart Rate Not Included

Cardio Training

Two regimens clinically observed to elevate the pulse without a single step taken. Bring water. Bring composure. Lose both.

Further Viewing · For Pleasure, Not Instruction

All of these creators are absolute legends.

The Real Thing: One Heartbeat, Drawn by Electricity

Every beat is a wave of electricity sweeping the heart in order — and the ECG is just that wave, written down. Each bump has a job.

Atria (P wave) Ventricles (QRS)

SA node fires → the atria contract → the P wave. The signal pauses at the AV node (the flat PR segment), then races down the His–Purkinje wires to light up the ventricles — the tall QRS. Finally the ventricles reset for the next beat: the T wave. Atria depolarize, ventricles depolarize, ventricles repolarize — in that order, every single time, about once a second for your whole life.

Reading the Rhythm

Same heart, different stories. Pick a tracing.

Office of Stakeholder Containment · Premium Services

Middlemen™

Premium Stakeholder Engagement Solutions

Because communicating directly is inefficient.

The Same Task, Two Ways

Your task: find the patient’s most recent potassium. On paper it’s one flip of a tab. Let’s watch the modern system improve on that.

The EMR
Clicks: 0
The Paper Chart
Clicks: 0
Office of Unnecessary Committees · Notices

Classifieds

Solicitations, surplus, and quiet desperation. Placed by readers like you.

Professional Services

Seeking experienced consultant to advise consultants. Must have advised advisors who advise.

Prior authorization specialist seeking authorization. References available upon authorization.

Wanted: someone to attend meetings on my behalf, and occasionally on my behalf's behalf.

Available: thought leader, currently between thoughts.

Otologist available for fenestration and the quiet drilling of very small bones. Brings own dental drill; will not be thrown out of your operating room more than once.

Surgeon can recall six of Halsted’s seven principles in any order. The patient is, generously, stable.

Stakeholder Containment services offered. We insert expensive third parties between you and whatever you were trying to say. Modest fee; eventual consideration for future review.

For Sale

For sale: lightly used strategic initiative. Never fully implemented. Still in box.

For sale: commemorative coin, later determined to be a regular coin.

For rent: moral high ground. Partially furnished. No parking.

Free: synergy. You haul.

For sale: one (1) shipping box, full to the brim with Afrin. Buyer assumes all oxymetazoline and any feelings about it. Contents non-returnable.

For sale: “Now That’s What I Call OR Playlists,” Vols. I–III, incl. Classic Rock & Hip-Hop editions. Lightly operated to.

Wanted: earplugs, the unglamorous foam kind. Will trade one (1) tuned cowbell, barely tolerable.

Lost & Found

Missing: accountability. Last seen entering a meeting; did not exit.

Lost: the situation with the elk. Reward offered; terms remain unclear.

Found: one (1) paradigm, slightly shifted.

Seeking: a second opinion on my first opinion.

Found: a red gas can on the shoulder of a wet two-lane road at dawn. A man in a tie was refueling a sedan by hand. He seemed fine. We did not ask.

Update: the situation with the elk has developed. It is now the situation with the elk and the harmonica. Reward unchanged.

Personals

Seeking: Dr. Vera — surname negotiable (Context, Fried, Decant, and Realitycheck all considered). Must be willing to be quoted at length by an invented think tank.

Staffer seeks compelling reason to remove the red clown nose before the 2 p.m. standup. Handwritten notebooks a plus.

Recognition sought: “Most Likely to Walk Like a Velociraptor,” class of ’12. Still does. Seeking someone who gets it.

You: sent a dumb e-mail. Me: also, repeatedly. Coffee? Reply-all if you must.

Notices & Announcements

The Airing of Grievances (Vol. 1) now accepts submissions for Vol. 2. Grievances must be petty, sincere, and alphabetized.

Public notice: the Office of Stakeholder Containment does not acknowledge requests, receipt of requests, or its own existence. Thank you for your interest.

Correction: a headline last issue should have read “Falls Church,” not “Falls, Church.” We regret the pause.

Since 1978 we have shone a light on the absurd. The lamp now flickers on a schedule — for ambiance, and plausible deniability.

Instruments & Curios

For sale: fretless bass. No frets, no excuses, essentially microtonal. Intonation conveys to buyer as-is.

Free to good home: one dog with strong opinions about frequencies north of 17 kHz. Leaves the room when the apparatus is functioning as designed.

Wanted: a diploma from Universitas Mental Floss to match the one already framed. Field of study immaterial — the frame is the credential.

Available: one prize check, 275th Orange County Art/Essay Contest (2009). Suitable for framing, light bragging, or both.

Bureau of Prior Authorization Appeals Appeals

Public Records Requests

We are committed to transparency. In principle. Pending review.

Form LL-1040-R · Request for Records
SINCERE
Issued by the Editorial Board · Vol. 2, No. ∞ · Notarized in Spirit

Certificate of Sincere™ and Heartfelt™ Apology™

The Editorial Board wishes to express its deepest, most authentic, most stakeholder-aligned regrets regarding whatever circumstances have brought you to this page.

After extensive review, consultation, stakeholder engagement, committee formation, committee expansion, committee oversight, committee oversight oversight, and strategic reflection, we have concluded that your concerns are both valid and profoundly unfortunate.

We therefore offer this Sincere™ and Heartfelt™ Apology™ as evidence that your complaint has been acknowledged. Whether it has been addressed remains outside the scope of this certificate.

Hereby and reluctantly extended to

Type your name — it prints onto the certificate.

Office of Stakeholder Containment
Department of Fan Acquisition
Bureau of Strategic Regret
Committee for Advanced Apologies
Notarized
More or Less
A Public Service · Patient Education

Patient Education

Because occasionally something here should be useful.

Patient Handout · Nasal Care

Saline Sinus Rinse: How to Do It Safely

Disclaimer · Please Read

If you are a stick figure, the following constitutes medical advice. Otherwise, it does not — please consult a physician, a pharmacist, or the right specialist for the problem: a physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech-language pathologist, or audiologist, as the case may be.

Saline nasal irrigation (a “sinus rinse”) flushes mucus, allergens, and irritants from the nasal passages. Physicians and pharmacists commonly recommend it for sinus congestion, allergies, and the lingering stuffiness of a cold. The steps below follow the manufacturer's directions for the NeilMed® Sinus Rinse bottle and NasaFlo® Neti Pot. NeilMed is one widely available brand — not the only option. Other rinse devices and pre-mixed buffered-saline products work on the same principles.

Two Things Matter Most: The Water and the Mixture

These two carry roughly equal weight. The water has to be safe, and the buffered saline has to be mixed to the right strength — get either one wrong and the rinse becomes, at best, deeply unpleasant.

The water. Use only distilled, sterile, or commercially bottled water; water filtered through an absolute pore size of 0.2 micron; or previously boiled and cooled water — at lukewarm or body temperature. Do not use plain tap or faucet water (for rinsing or for mixing the solution) unless it has first been boiled for at least 1 minute (3 minutes at high altitude) and cooled. Untreated water is safe to drink but not safe to put in your nose.
The buffered salt solution. Just as important is getting the saline right. NeilMed packets pair sodium chloride with a sodium bicarbonate buffer, which keeps the solution close to the body's own salt concentration and pH so it rinses comfortably. The proportion is what matters: use one packet per filled bottle (water to the line), no more and no less. Too much mixture makes the solution too strong; too little makes it too weak — and either extreme can cause significant stinging or burning. This is why homemade salt mixes are sometimes discouraged: the concentration is easy to get wrong. Mixing your own can be done safely, but it takes extra attention to avoid mistakes — ask your physician or pharmacy staff if you're unsure.

What You Need

  • A NeilMed® Sinus Rinse squeeze bottle or NasaFlo® Neti Pot.
  • One pre-mixed saline packet — convenient and consistent. You can also mix your own, but it takes extra care to get the concentration right.
  • Safe, lukewarm water (see above).

Steps

  1. Wash your hands. Add one saline packet to the bottle. (Forgetting the packet is a common mistake and causes an unpleasant burning sensation.)
  2. Fill with safe, lukewarm water to the line. Cap it, place a finger over the tip, and swirl gently to dissolve the mixture.
  3. Stand in front of a sink, bend forward, and tilt your head down. Keep your mouth open and do not hold your breath.
  4. Place the cap snugly against one nostril and gently squeeze. The solution will drain out the other nostril, and some may reach your mouth — that's normal.
  5. Blow your nose gently without pinching it completely shut. Repeat on the other side.
  6. Tip: rinsing about an hour before bedtime helps avoid residual solution dripping down your throat.

The Rinse, Illustrated

The same steps, with stick figures and questionable composure:

1
Distilled, sterile, or boiled-&-cooled water only. Tap water is for tea.
2
One buffered-saline packet per bottle. Too much salt = an angry nose.
3
Fill to the line with lukewarm water, cap, and swirl to dissolve.
4
Lean over the sink, tilt your head down, breathe through your mouth.
5
Gently squeeze: in one nostril, out the other. Then switch sides.
6
Blow your nose gently, rinse the bottle, air-dry. Breathe like a champion.

Clean the Device

After each use, wash the bottle or pot and cap with safe water and a little soap, rinse, and let it air-dry on a clean surface. Use fresh solution every time, and replace the device about every three months for hygiene. Do not share rinse devices.

Before you rinse: do not use if your nasal passages are completely blocked or if you have an ear infection or blocked ears. If you've had recent ear or sinus surgery, talk to your physician first. If you feel pressure in the ears or burning in the nose, stop and ask your physician or pharmacist. Keep out of reach of children.

This handout is general information, not a substitute for advice from a physician or pharmacist. If you have any questions or concerns — including which product to choose — ask the staff at your local pharmacy or speak with your physician directly.

Adapted from NeilMed® Pharmaceuticals' official Directions for Use & Warnings and their instructional videos. Lempert's Lampoon is not affiliated with, sponsored by, or endorsed by NeilMed®.

Bonus: Afrin® Overuse Self-Screening

A validated*, single-image instrument for the early detection of oxymetazoline overenthusiasm.

*Not validated. Rebound congestion is, however, very real.

Aim the Spray: Lateral, Not at the Septum

The most common nasal-spray mistake is pointing it straight at the wall between your nostrils — the septum. Aim it gently outward, toward the same-side eye or ear, and use the opposite hand (left hand for the right nostril). Pick an aim and spray.

What the Septum Cannot Survive

A cautionary demonstration — emphatically not a how-to. Cocaine is a potent vasoconstrictor: on the nasal lining it clamps shut the tiny vessels feeding the septal cartilage. Starved of blood, the tissue dies, and a hole opens. Watch what repeated use does — then never do it.

Misuse, overuse, and reckless use of drugs — illicit or prescribed — harm tissue and lives in ways that don’t undo. If a substance has a hold, that isn’t a moral failing; it’s a medical problem, and help exists. Ask a physician, a pharmacist, or a trusted person — the earlier the better.

Two questions that quietly save you money and trouble.

First: always ask whether a generic equivalent exists. A generic carries the same active ingredient, strength, and FDA-required bioequivalence as the brand — at a fraction of the cost. “Is there a generic?” is one of the highest-yield questions in all of medicine.

Second: never hesitate to ask the pharmacist or pharmacy staff. They’re among the most accessible experts you have — free to talk to, no appointment needed. Ask about interactions, cheaper alternatives, discount programs, how to take something, or what a side effect means. Asking for help is the competent move, not the embarrassing one.

And on who to ask: aim for the person at the top of the relevant field — a physician for diagnosis and treatment, a pharmacist for medications, a physical therapist for movement, an occupational therapist for daily function, a speech-language pathologist for speech and swallowing, an audiologist for hearing. These are different lanes, not a ranking of people — each is the expert in theirs. And the door to those top roles should open for anyone capable of earning it: by ability and the work it takes, not by knowing the right people.

Lampoon Institute for Real Pharmacology · Lock, Key, and Consequence

Receptors & How Drugs Talk to Cells

A real drug doesn’t need to be diluted into oblivion to do something. It needs a receptor — a molecular lock — and the right key.

Cells are studded with receptors: proteins that wait for a specific signal (a hormone, a neurotransmitter) and, when it binds, change what the cell does. Drugs work by impersonating, blocking, or nudging that conversation. Four words cover most of it:

The Bench

A patch of cell membrane with a dozen receptors. Add molecules and watch the cell’s response — then make the cell adapt.

Cell response
0%

Why the Cell Fights Back: Up- & Down-Regulation

Cells defend a set-point. Flood a receptor with agonist for long enough and the cell down-regulates — it pulls receptors off the surface and dials down the response. That’s tolerance: the same dose does less. Chronically block a receptor and the cell does the opposite, up-regulating — building more receptors to be heard. Remove the blocker suddenly and the now-oversensitive cell overshoots: that’s rebound and a chunk of what makes withdrawal so miserable. The Afrin trap two pages over is exactly this story, in a nostril.

Simplified to the point of caricature for teaching — real receptors involve binding kinetics, second messengers, and far more arithmetic. But the shapes are right: agonists push, antagonists block, competition can be outrun, and cells adapt to whatever you do to them.

Correspondence Desk · Window 3 · Please Have Grievance Ready

Tug on the Ear of the Editor(s)-in-Chief

We value all reader feedback, including the wrong kind.

Privacy Promise

Lempert's Lampoon will never sell your personal data. We do, however, continue to operate portions of our digital infrastructure using a Hotmail account that has already demonstrated a concerning willingness to become someone else's Hotmail account. Proceed accordingly. Full policy →

Mandatory Pre-Screening · Form L-78

Are you a fan of Lempert's Lampoon?

Select Yes to send compliments, fan art, or threats of marriage. Select No to send gripes, grievances, and your theory that satire is the lowest form of communication — after one brief, legally enchanting notice.

Choose wisely.

Received
& Duly
Noted

Thank You for Contacting Lempert's Lampoon

Your feedback has been forwarded to the Editorial Board.

A team of highly trained specialists is currently reviewing your submission and determining whether it represents:

  • Constructive criticism
  • A misunderstanding
  • A profound misunderstanding
  • Material suitable for publication

Please allow 6–8 business decades for processing.

Public Records · Bureau of Lasting Impressions

Permanent Registry of Questionable Judgment

No.

Status: Active & Unforgiving

Registry currently contains everyone who selected "No."

Individual entries are withheld for their own protection, and for ours. Names may be reviewed during editorial meetings, holidays, and moments of quiet reflection.

Entries are permanent. Appeals are not accepted, but are kept.

The Lampoon Institute for Fine Print · Compliance, Allegedly

Legalese

The dull, the binding, and the mandatory — gathered in one place so they bother you less often.

The rest of the fine print

Department of Mandatory Civic Participation

Jury Duty and You

Four pieces of required viewing. The order of evidence reshuffles on every visit — justice, like our scheduling, is random.

Institute for Self-Inquiry · A Rigorous Instrument

Spectrum Self-Inquiry

A brief, scientifically adjacent questionnaire. Answer honestly, or don't.

Further Reading

A small, sincere shelf — real resources and peer-reviewed work on autistic identity, stigma, employment, and lived experience. The one part of this section that isn’t joking.

The Organ Doing All of This

Every result above — every trait, every difference, every self-inquiry — runs on roughly three pounds of tissue we understand far less well than we pretend.

A Note on Humility

We can name the lobes and color the scans, but the basics still escape us. We do not really know how a memory is stored, how anesthesia switches consciousness off, why we sleep, or how 86 billion neurons add up to the feeling of being someone. The map is gorgeous; the territory is mostly unread.

Which makes it a particular kind of funny that, having barely diagrammed one brain, we’ve declared we can rebuild its intelligence out of graphics cards — chips designed to draw triangles quickly, now stacked by the warehouse and asked to think. They do remarkable things. They are also nothing like a neuron, run on roughly the power of a small town, and cannot tell you why you like the things you like. We are reverse-engineering a device whose manual we have never found, and confidently shipping the clone. The Lampoon finds this equal parts thrilling and absurd, which is generally a sign something interesting is happening.

And if you have ever suspected that everyone else was handed an instruction manual you somehow never received — it has been located. The secret to world peace, while we had the drawer open, turned up right beside it: here.

Bonus track

Department of Self-Service Optometry · No Appointment, No Doctor

Self-Service Optometry

Adjust your own prescription. We trust you completely.

Slide until the chart is legible, then write yourself a prescription. Each eye is calibrated independently, because your eyes were never really a team.

0.00 D
0.00 D
Left PD 118 mm
Actual PD 2 mm
Right PD 118 mm

Drag each pupil ● in the panel above to set your distance.

Without color-blindness
With color-blindness

Not a substitute for an optometrist or ophthalmologist — one with a real machine and a small flashlight they will shine directly into your soul. Move the two dots until they align with your actual pupils for results that are no more accurate, but feel personalized.

Lampoon Institute for Visual Science · Light In, Meaning Out

The Retina & How You See

The eye is a camera for about a millimeter. After that, vision is almost entirely a story your brain tells — and mostly gets right.

From Photon to Picture

The cornea and lens focus light onto the retina, a sliver of neural tissue lining the back of the eye. Its photoreceptors come in two flavors: rods (exquisitely sensitive, night and motion, no color) and cones (daylight, fine detail, three types for color). They’re packed densest at the fovea — a pinhead of retina that does nearly all of your sharp, read-this-sentence vision. Everything else is your peripheral vision quietly bluffing.

Here’s the strange part: the retina doesn’t send a picture. It sends differences — edges, contrasts, motion, changes — down the optic nerve to the brain, which crosses the signals at the optic chiasm, routes them through the thalamus, and reconstructs “seeing” in the visual cortex at the very back of your head. You don’t see with your eyes so much as through them.

Find Your Blind Spot

Where the optic nerve leaves the eye there are no photoreceptors — a literal hole in each retina. You never notice, because your brain paints over it. Here’s the classic demo that catches it in the act.

+

Cover your left eye. Stare at the + with your right eye. Slowly move toward the screen (about 30–50 cm). At one point the ● vanishes entirely — that’s its image landing on your blind spot. Your brain fills the gap with background as if nothing were missing.

The Same Lens, Pointed at the Invisible

The eye focuses the world with a single curved lens. Aim that same trick at a drop of pond water and you find a second world that had been there the whole time.

tiny glass-bead lens(magnifies ~270×) specimen pin focusing screws brass plate held up to the eye, toward the light

Tap the lens to look through it — the world he saw first.

Microscopy is just the eye’s physics, pushed further. A curved lens refracts (bends) light to magnify what’s otherwise too small to resolve — the very same bending your cornea and lens use to focus an image on the retina. The first compound microscopes appeared around 1600 in the Netherlands, and in 1665 Robert Hooke’s Micrographia dazzled London and handed us the word cell, after the bare little boxes he saw in a sliver of cork.

But the man who saw furthest wasn’t a scientist at all. Antonie van Leeuwenhoek (1632–1723) was a cloth merchant in Delft who used magnifying glasses to count the threads in fabric — and got curious. Grinding his own minuscule glass lenses, he built simple, single-lens microscopes that reached roughly 270×, sharper than any bulky compound instrument of his day. Through them he became the first human to see a living microbial world: bacteria, protozoa and other “animalcules,” alongside blood cells, sperm cells, and blood actually coursing through capillaries.

He reported it all in plain-spoken letters to the Royal Society in London, was elected a Fellow in 1680, and is remembered as the father of microbiology. He never did reveal exactly how he ground his lenses. A draper, a few grains of polished glass, and ordinary curiosity — and the invisible became a field. The Institute notes, without further comment, that he began by checking thread counts.

Educational only. Real visual neuroscience is a career, not a webpage. If your actual vision changes — a new blind spot, a curtain, sudden floaters or flashes, distortion — that is an eye doctor today, not a fun fact.

Department of Structural Vagueness · Wellness

Alignment Zone

Chiropractic care, distilled to its essential exercise.

There is nothing else on this page.* There rarely is. Assemble the skeleton below into its correct configuration. You will be notified when you are correct.

*Technically, only true for those who lack curiosity.

Time: 0.0s · Adjustments made: 0

You’ve Done a Crack-Up Job!

The skeleton is, by at least one definition, aligned. Results are spinal, spiritual, and entirely unverified.

Return to the Front Page
The Hall of Realignment
Fastest Alignments
    Fewest Adjustments
      Most Adjustments

        Scores are kept locally, in this very browser, on an honor system of one. The top 67 per board are preserved for posterity; the 68th is encouraged to try harder.

        What’s Actually Down There: The Musculoskeletal System

        Before anyone “adjusts” it, it helps to know what it is. Three parts, one job: hold you up and move you around.

        Bone Is Alive, and It Remodels

        Bone isn’t inert scaffolding — it’s living tissue that rebuilds itself along the lines of stress it feels (Wolff’s law). Load it sensibly and it strengthens. Traumatize it repeatedly and it… overcompensates. A demonstration with a wrench and a regrettable jaw:

        In real life this is exactly how repeated stress builds bony overgrowths — exostoses and bone spurs, “surfer’s ear” in the cold-exposed ear canal, a torus in the jaw. Bone answers force by laying down more bone, in whatever lumpy shape the force suggests. Be kind to your mandible.

        Muscle Answers to Electricity: Galvani’s Frog

        In the 1780s Luigi Galvani touched a dead frog’s leg with metal and it kicked — the discovery that nerve and muscle run on electricity (“animal electricity”). Every muscle you have ever moved did it the same way. Run the experiment.

        Pursuant to the Peace Agreement

        The Anesthesia Lounge

        A safe space for our gas-passing colleagues to unwind in their own special way. Vitals optional. Pagers face-down.

        Further Reading, Administered Slowly

        Continuing education for the unconscious hours. No credit. No recovery room.

        NYSORA, on airways and the blocking of nerves — the whole playlist.

        Max Feinstein, who does this for a living and films it anyway — one playlist · another.

        Negotiated with the moderator-in-chief of r/anesthesiology. Terms classified; snacks communal. The Lampoon retains custody of the thermostat.

        Annex B of the Peace Agreement

        The Surgeon’s Lounge

        For our steel-wielding colleagues. Everything is washable. Nothing is sharp. The square hole is always an option.

        Practical Life Skills for the Surgical Practitioner’s Life

        Continuing education the boards forgot. Certificates withheld.

        Tying your shoelaces — for lefties · for righties.

        Mending holes — lesson one · lesson two.

        Toys sanitized between cases. The rocks are load-bearing. Return to the Anesthesia Lounge.